


Snakes are a Pain

by dracogotgame



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fun, Humour, M/M, Oneshot, Parseltongue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracogotgame/pseuds/dracogotgame
Summary: Draco is in a strop and it's up to Harry to find his slithery boyfriend.





	Snakes are a Pain

How had an innocent jaunt to the zoo ended up like this? Harry worried his lower lip and tried to appear nonchalant as he headed to the Reptile House. Despite the anxiety twisting in his gut, he kept his pace brisk and his expression unassuming as he scanned the scores of snakes in their enclosures.   
  
One of them had to be his boyfriend.  
  
“Draco?” Harry whispered to a tightly coiled serpent that was more or less the right shade of emerald. He tapped the glass gently. “Is that you?”  
  
An elderly matron gave him the side-eye before hurrying away with her grandchildren. Harry groaned in dismay and resumed his search. He had a feeling Draco wouldn’t make this easy. He’d been pretty pissed, after all.  
  
Oh, alright. So maybe Harry shouldn’t have laughed quite so hard when that elephant had sprayed Draco from head to toe. Draco hadn’t been particularly amused. He had stormed off in a strop before Harry could apologise. Harry had lost track of him when a horde of stampeding tourists had stepped up to take some pictures and by the time he had a handle on things, his boyfriend had vanished.  
  
After scanning the zoo for two hours, Harry had to concede defeat. Draco was most certainly not here. Of course, there was always the chance that he had just Disapparated and was sulking in their shared flat by now, but Harry knew his moody boyfriend quite well. Draco wouldn’t just take off like that. No, he would most certainly expect Harry to come looking for him and beg forgiveness. Which Harry would be glad to do, if he could just find the prat!  
  
Then he’d spotted the reptile enclosure and put two and two together.  
  
 _Draco, this isn’t funny,_ Harry informed the serpent sternly. He really hoped nobody would hear him speaking Parseltongue. It would be decidedly awkward to explain why he was hissing at a snake to the befuddled zoo staff. _You’re not supposed to use your Animagus form in a Muggle area, you know that! Are you trying to get us both in trouble with the Ministry? Now, come on. It’s a beautiful fall day and..._  
  
 _Ah, fall._  
  
Harry froze as the serpent uncoiled. The boa constrictor lifted its head slowly and observed Harry with keen, observant eyes. Harry’s heart sank. Draco’s Animagus was a Furry Bush Viper.  
  
 _The leavesss as they ssspark into wild color jussst before they die are the world’s oldessst performance art,_ the constrictor informed him solemnly.  
  
Well. It wasn’t like the snake was wrong.  
  
 _That’s beautiful,_ Harry hissed back. _I didn’t know snakes had such an appreciation for the season._  
  
 _Ssaw it in pamphlet once,_ the constrictor replied. Its dark eyes gleamed behind the glass cage. _Do you have rat? Give me rat._  
  
 _Sorry,_ Harry replied apologetically. _I’m all out. Hey, have you seen a bush viper around here? New guy? Just arrived today? Probably not the nicest bloke in the world?_  
  
The snake hissed in displeasure. _Sstupid vipers,_ it grumbled petulantly. _Ooh, look at me with my bright sscales and toxic venom! Look how fancy I am! Sssnobs, all of them! Always get nice rat! Where is rat? You give me rat!_  
  
Well, that certainly sounded like Draco. Now that he had an in, Harry was determined to see this through. _I don’t have any rats,_ he told the sulking serpent again. _But if you tell me where the bush vipers are, I’ll take at least one of them off your hand...uh, scales. One less snobbish viper snagging the best rats, am I right?_  
  
The snake paused to consider that. Harry held his breath and waited for the verdict. Then the constrictor jerked its tail in a universal ‘he went that-a-way’ gesture.  
  
 _Jusst past the cobras,_ it hissed helpfully. _Bah!_ _Sstupid cobrass! Ooh, look at me with my glossy, black scales and Animal Planet Prime Time Feature! I’m ssoo popular! I’m ssoo..._  
  
Harry nodded his thanks and hurried away from the sullen reptile. Serpents of all shapes and sizes observed him keenly as he tracked his way between the glass tanks.  
  
 _Ooh, human! Does it have rat?_  
  
 _It’s sso ugly._  
  
 _Where isss the tail?_  
  
 _Give us rat, ugly human!_  
  
Harry ignored the rude reptiles as best as he could (although he did shoot a rather mouthy mamba a dirty look), and made his way to the Viper exhibit.  
  
“Oh, thank Merlin!” he exclaimed as he spotted an unmistakable green coil, dozing under the sun lamp. “Draco, you idiot! You’re coming home with me right now.”  
  
Draco uncoiled slowly and turned to observe him with one beady eye. His green scales bristled, curling upwards in a way that made him look almost furry. His tongue flicked out from between his unbelievably poisonous fangs.  
  
 _Iss the human talking to me?_  
  
Harry was starting to grind his teeth. Of course, Draco would be passive aggressive even as a snake. _Of course, I’m talking to you,_ he hissed, switching to Parseltongue effortlessly. _Look, I promise I’ll apologise to you properly once we get out of here. But for the love of Merlin, just do me a solid and let me take you home first, okay?_  
  
Draco swayed a little before settling under the lamp again.  
  
 _Ssleeping now,_ he hissed drowsily. _Not going anywhere._  
  
Harry groaned and thunked his head against the glass. He racked his brains for a way to make his stubborn boyfriend cooperate.  
  
 _You can sleep on the way home,_ he cajoled. _I’ll carry you and everything, okay? Now please, can I get you out of there?_  
  
Draco was silent for a spell. Harry was mentally preparing for another grovelling session when mercifully, he spoke up again.  
  
 _Very well. If itss ssoo important to you._  
  
Harry heaved a sigh of relief, took a quick look around and pulled out his wand. The front of the glass cage vanished, causing a minor uproar among the other vipers.  
  
 _It’s okay, I won’t hurt you,_ Harry reassured them at once. _I just want that one and then I’ll leave, okay?_  
  
 _Take him,_ a snake hissed in reply. _He’ss a_ _git anyway._  
  
Honestly, Harry couldn’t say he disagreed. He scooped Draco up, reinstalled the cage and left as quickly as he could.  
  


* * *

  
Harry had never been so thankful to come home. The trip back from the zoo had been an utter nightmare. Sneaking Draco out from under the watchful eyes of the zookeepers had been stressful, and his idiot boyfriend had spent the entire walk home, coiled around Harry’s neck in a state between sleeping and waking. His serpentine tongue traced Harry’s collarbone every now and then, causing Harry to jump in alarm before furtively adjusting his jacket.  
  
Thankfully, nothing had gone amiss. With a sigh of relief, Harry uncoiled a dozing Draco from his neck and set him down on the table. Draco hissed in complaint before slithering around a coffee cup and watching him curiously.  
  
Harry sighed and raked a weary hand through his hair. _You know you can change now, right?_ He hoped the note of sarcasm translated into Parseltongue.  
  
 _I don’t shed my ssskin in front of sstrangers,_ the serpent informed him indignantly. _Itss very rude to assk._  
  
Harry stared at him in confusion, and opened his mouth to ask what Draco was playing at. That's when he noticed a few inconsistencies. Draco’s scales weren’t the exact shade of poison green he remembered. He looked smaller than before too. And had he always had that white patch on his throat? Harry shut his mouth with an audible snap. Suddenly, he had a bad feeling about this. A _very_ bad feeling.  
  
“Oh Merlin, no,” he mumbled, getting up and approaching the viper warily.   
  
_Draco?_  
  
The snake gave him a blank look and slid its forked tongue out.   
  
_What isss thiss Draco?_ _Does it have rat?_  
  


* * *

  
It took thirty minutes and three rats from the local pet store to convince Not Draco to accompany him back to the zoo. If Harry had to cast a few Memory Charms on some overzealous zoo-keepers in his quest to return to the Reptile House, he didn't plan to tell.  
  
Finally, he was back at the Viper Exhibit and manhandling Not Draco back in a cage.   
  
_There you go,_ he hissed. _Safe and sound. Be a good snake, yeah? Don’t bite any kids, etcetera etcetera._  
  
Not Draco hissed him a fond farewell and slithered back under his sun lamp. Harry heaved a sigh of relief. No harm done, thank Godric.  
  
Of course, there was still the matter of...  
  
 _You abssolute moron._  
  
Harry’s eyes widened and he whirled around. There was a very familiar emerald green Furry Bush Viper in the glass cage right behind him. And Merlin, he looked murderous.  
  
 _Potter,_ Draco hissed, opening his mouth to display his deadly fangs. _You are in ssoo much trouble._


End file.
